Bitter Jealousy
by dragonprincess1988
Summary: After another fight with Leo, Raph realizes some things about himself that he wishes he hadn't.


He was in his room throwing any item within reach at the wall. The anger was all consuming and for once he knew exactly why. He couldn't scream. Hell, he could barely breathe with the heavy lump in his throat. His chest burned with the need to release every last bit of pain and anger that coursed through him, and yet all he could do was silently rage and destroy things.

He didn't know if it had been minutes or hours since he first stomped up into his room, frustrated tears flowing from his eyes. Honestly, at this point, Raph didn't care. He just hoped that his brothers and sensei knew enough to stay clear of him for however long it took for this particular fit to die down.

He refused to call it a tantrum, no matter how accurate that might have been. That was their word for it, and it certainly didn't help anything. In fact, all it did was infuriate him more. He felt so much all of the time, and yet they never saw it. They didn't care, and why would they? Raph knew he was just a stupid hothead to them. He was just the guy who felt nothing but rage to them, despite how inaccurate that assumption may have been.

He felt so much hurt all of the time, and they never saw a damn thing. All they saw was his fucking tantrums, as they tend to call them. It wasn't a damn tantrum. Stopping himself from hurting himself, them, or anyone else that may have crossed his path by going to his room and hurtling everything he could touch against the wall wasn't a tantrum.

It was a fucking breakdown, and Raph wondered when, if ever, one of them would finally realize that. He had a breaking point and they had long since reached it. He desperately wanted help, but he had no way to ask for it. Every time that Raph had ever done so before ended with exactly zero useful suggestions.

It didn't used to be like this. Raph was nearly positive that it didn't used to be like this. He could vaguely remember a time when he hadn't constantly felt like this. It was distant and sometimes he wondered if it was just a dream, but he was fairly certain that he remembered less pain, less rage, and more…well, just more of everything else.

Raph wasn't necessarily sure that he remembered true happiness, but he did remember moments of joy. Hell, sometimes he even had moments of happiness now, but those moments were so few and far between that Raph was honestly starting to wonder if they ever really existed in the first place. Especially when he looked at the rest of his family and they just seemed so fucking happy all of the time.

He watched Mikey sometimes when he was laughing, jumping, and dancing around all jovial and excited, and Raph couldn't help but wonder if he was ever like that. He didn't think so. He knew he certainly had never been that energetic about it, if he was ever that happy. After all, no one could compare to Mikey when it came to sheer excited energy.

If Raph was being honest with himself, sometimes he was so damn jealous of Mikey. He desperately wanted to know what it was like to feel like that…to be that exuberant and blithe about seemingly nothing. However, Raph knew that there was no way he could ever reach anything even close to Mikey's level.

Sometimes that knowledge downright killed him. In fact, it was one of the reasons that Mikey's enthusiasm sometimes irritated him so much. Raph knew that it was wrong to feel that way, but he couldn't help it. He equally knew that he shouldn't dampen Mikey's cheerfulness just because it caused him pain, but Raph never really was that great of a brother, anyway.

It wasn't just Mikey, though. Donnie's bright smile and utter pride when he invented something new and amazing were just as heart wrenching to witness for him. After all, Raph knew that he'd never be able to accomplish anything as amazing as his brother. He knew that he'd never do anything worth the level of pride that Donnie both felt and received for his inventions.

After all, all Raph could do was hurt and destroy. He wasn't meant for building or creating… not like his brother, who was gifted with the ability to both mend and construct amazing things. Raph's body and mind were better suited to causing injury and demolishing things, not fixing them. He was well aware that Donnie deserved every ounce of credit and pride heaped upon his shoulders. However, knowing that didn't stop Raph from feeling so utterly inadequate when compared to his genius brother.

And then there was Leo, the brother who caused him the most anguish out of all of them. Leo was the one who was most like him, and yet, somehow, always managed to be better than him. Leo was the only one who Raph could ever hope to match. After all, Leo wasn't a metaphorical ball of sunshine, nor was he a genius. No, instead his talents existed in the only area that Raph had ever truly excelled at -fighting - and yet, still, even in that arena, Raph fell short.

He spent so long wondering why… so long missing the key factor of what exactly made Leo better than him. And now after years of seemingly endless arguments and countless hours of frustration, pain, and confusion, Raph was certain that he finally figured it out. He finally realized what made Leo so damn perfect.

It wasn't Leo's tactical brilliance, his spiritual prowess, his mastery of his weapons, or even his mastery of his emotions. No, even though Raph believed it to be all of these things at one point or another, he now knew better. He had finally learned the truth.

The one thing that truly separated Raph from Leo was that Leo had always and would always have someone who believed in and validated him. Meanwhile, Raph had never truly had anyone who believed in and validated him. Not when it really counted, at least.

Honestly, Raph would have found that funny if it didn't hurt so fucking much. He should have realized the truth long before today, but it makes sense that he needed a catalyst to show him reality. After all, Raph never was one of the smarter brothers. The catalyst, of course, was the stupid fight between Leo and him, which drove Raph to seek refuge in his room in the first place.

XYZXYZ

It had started like every other fight, but it sure as hell didn't end the same way. Raph saw it. The moment that signified that Leo was quickly reaching the end of his rope, and Raph knew that if he pushed him, then Leo would lose it.

He knew now that he should have backed off. Hell, a part of him wanted to back off, but there was another part… a darker part of Raph that didn't care. He wanted to see Leo lose it in front of everyone. He wanted Leo to feel how he always felt. He wanted Leo to have the whole family look at him the way that they always looked at Raph, but that wasn't what happened.

Leo lost it alright. He leapt at Raph, hitting him full force, with no regard to the fact that Raph's left side was already one giant bruise from their earlier fight with some crazed mutant. Leo was screaming at him, but for the life of him, Raph couldn't register what he said.

He just remembered thinking that for the first time everyone would see that it wasn't just Raph with the insanely bad temper. However, instead of someone ripping Leo off of him and asking their big brother what was wrong with him in the most accusatory tone they could muster, Donnie simply put a hand on Leo's shoulder before gently asking if their big brother was okay and what the problem was. His tone was full of utter concern and the whole interaction just made Raph sick to his stomach.

Raph never had anyone ask what the real problem was. At least, not like that. Everyone always had something to say about his angry outbursts, yet no one had ever bothered to inquire about why they existed in the first place.

Hell, no one had even bothered to consider if Raph's fits were about something more… something deeper than just being annoyed with the world at large and taking it out on his family. Although, Raph figured that was his fault. Well, at least, they've always claimed that it was his fault, since he never really volunteered that information.

Even so, Raph didn't have any idea why they would expect him to volunteer such information. After all, every time he ever exhibited an emotion, it was considered a bad thing. Not to mention, their responses were always the same. It was just a bunch of mocking taunts, belittling questions, or utterly ignoring the real problem.

Raph figured he should just accept that this was his life. He was just going to watch everyone around him feel things that he didn't even remember how to feel, and then let the bitter, angry jealousy seethe within him until it finally exploded outward. He should just accept that after such an outburst he'd have to deal with the snarky comments and various disappointed glares for simply being himself.

He wished that they understood that if he could be someone else, then he would. However, Raph only knew how to be himself… no matter how little anyone approved of it. He didn't like it. He didn't enjoy the constant rage, bitterness, and jealousy, but it was who he was and it wasn't as if any of them had any useful suggestions for being something more… something different… something better.

Raph was under no illusion. He knew exactly how much he didn't measure up, but there was nothing that he could do about that, either. At least, nothing that he was willing to do, because as much as he knew it was probably for the best if he just left, he was a selfish bastard who refused to give up the only home and family that he'd ever known, even if all it did was hurt them. After all, Raph never claimed to be a good brother.

He knew his family deserve better than him… better than this angry, bitter, jealous monster that they were forced to reside with, but he didn't have a solution. The worst part about all of this was that he knew they didn't have one either. Master Splinter and Leo could lecture and force him to mediate all that they wanted to, but it didn't help. It didn't change what Raph was, and it certainly didn't stop all of his negative feelings. If anything, it made everything worse.

As for Donnie and Mikey, while they might be able to provide a distraction for a time, it still didn't change the fact that eventually they would all end up right back where they had started. Raph was utterly exhausted with the same endless routine and he had a feeling that so was the rest of his family. He needed a way out… a way to change things, but he wasn't delusional enough to believe that he was smart enough to find the answer on his own.

XYZXYZ

Raph stood in his room, surrounded by the debris of everything that he had destroyed, breathing heavy. He took a moment to let the rest of his emotions die down before beginning the lengthy process of cleaning up the mess. After he had cleared everything away, Raph thought about what to do next. He didn't really want to deal with Master Splinter or Leo right now, and he didn't think that Mikey's peppiness would improve his mood any. However, there was one brother who might be able to help him find a solution to his problem.

Raph slipped out of his room and quickly made his way to Donnie's lab. There was a part of him that worried that the only solution was leaving his family in peace, but he also had a feeling that it'd be easier to take that step if someone else voiced it, especially if it was their resident genius. Still, he didn't actually believe he was ready to hear it said out loud, but he didn't see any reason to avoid the inevitable, either.

Raph ducked into Donnie's lab, making certain that no one spotted him. He was relieved to find Donnie sitting in front of his computer alone. "Hey, Don, you got a minute?"

Donnie immediately spun around to face. "Why?"

He didn't seem more irritated than usual at being interrupted, so Raph chose to take a step closer. "I just wanted to talk to ya."

Donnie's eyes narrowed as he folded his arms over his plastron. "I'm not the brother you need to apologize to, Raph."

Raph tried his best not to flinch at Donnie's tone as he squared his shoulders and glared. "I never said anything about apologizin', Don."

Donnie rolled his eyes as he scoffed out an, "Of course, fine, what do you want, Raph?"

Raph shook his head and began backing away. He knew better than to expect any help. He knew that from the start, so why did he even bother to come here? Why did he even think for a second that it was worth trying? "This was a mistake... just like me." The last part was hiss out between clenched teeth as Raph turned away.

However, he didn't get far before Donnie flipped over his head, and was blocking his exit with both his body and his bo staff. "What was that?"

Raph practically skidded to a halt in front of him. The last thing that he wanted right now was another confrontation with another brother. After all, he already knew how that would end, and he was dealing with enough as it was. He glanced back over his shoulder towards the garage entrance; if he was fast he could probably make it there before Donnie, then again, if Donnie had something more pressing to save, he'd let Raph go without a second thought.

Raph didn't need to think twice about his decision. He grabbed one of his sais out of his belt, back flipped onto Donnie's desk, and grabbed his laptop. He threw the computer across the room in the opposite direction of the garage, at the same time that he threw his sai at the switch for the garage door.

Donnie let out a distressed noise at seeing his laptop soar through the air, and he didn't even hesitate to run to catch it. Raph knew that he wouldn't, and it gave him just enough time to leap off of Donnie's desk and dash toward the door. He grabbed his sai along the way, making sure to jam the door controls. He slid underneath the rapidly closing door.

Raph considered taking one of the vehicles, but he knew that Donnie could track all of them, and all Raph wanted to do right now was disappear. He exited the garage and made it topside, hitting the rooftops as soon as he was able and just kept running, never looking back. He wasn't sure where he was going, nor did he know when, or even if, he would return, but right now it was imperative that he was as far away from his family as he could get.

After all, there was no doubt in Raph's mind that it was what was best for all of them, even if his family didn't necessarily understand that yet. They would in time. He was certain of it.

The End


End file.
